Funny Quotes by Groucho Marx · Page 2

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

— Groucho Marx

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

— Groucho Marx

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

— Groucho Marx

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

— Groucho Marx

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

— Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

— Groucho Marx

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

— Groucho Marx

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

— Groucho Marx

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those…

— Groucho Marx

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if…

— Groucho Marx

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're…

— Groucho Marx

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

— Groucho Marx

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

— Groucho Marx

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready…

— Groucho Marx

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

— Groucho Marx

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a…

— Groucho Marx

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition…

— Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

— Groucho Marx

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

— Groucho Marx

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

— Groucho Marx

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

— Groucho Marx

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

— Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

— Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

— Groucho Marx

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

— Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

— Groucho Marx

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.

— Groucho Marx

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

— Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

— Groucho Marx

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

— Groucho Marx

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's the only place to get a decent meal.

— Groucho Marx

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

— Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

— Groucho Marx

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

— Groucho Marx

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

— Groucho Marx

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

— Groucho Marx

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

— Groucho Marx

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no…

— Groucho Marx

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but youll have to…

— Groucho Marx

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

— Groucho Marx