Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with! — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
