Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it! — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men...… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday,… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it.… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
