If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
CBS announced they're canceling As The World Turns. Don't worry though, if you're addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
