For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
