If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
We do have a big kind of history in literate tradition of Vikings and we have a lot of Viking blood in… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
