Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with! — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff.… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
