“A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I talked to a mother of nine last night, and I thought, “Nine is nine years too young to be a mother.” — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal… — Jarod Kintz Animal shelter Copy Share Image
“I won’t tell you my name, but I will give you a number that describes me: 4. One a 1-10 scale, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful.” — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn’t entirely… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you money to buy what I’m selling, because I’m a savvy salesman.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“OK isn’t just all right—it’s also the abbreviation for the state above Texas.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life is a puff of smoke in a tornado. We are all furiously whirling into nothingness.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Because I’m emotionally immature, I’d prefer letting go of you early and always remembering you as you were, rather than hanging on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.” — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I… — Jarod Kintz Music Copy Share Image
“I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That’s… — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“Garbage truck beepers belong in a symphony. Or would that really put the phony in symphony?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I am willing to barter my nudity for your love. That way the IRS can’t tax our transaction.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“What I did I can’t undo. But I can address it, and undress you.” This is the chorus in a new song… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I nearly ran him over after he ran out in front of my car. So I slammed on the brakes, rolled down… — Jarod Kintz Live Now Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I find politicians’ speeches moving. Sometimes I don’t even pack up before forever leaving their vicinity.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A woman in a box—a great gift for the husband who has everything.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I just got circumcised, and to help the homeless, I’m going to make a tent out of my foreskin. But right now… — Jarod Kintz Right now Copy Share Image
“II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
