“The world is my canvas, and my ponytail is my paintbrush. Helen Keller probably had a ponytail too, though my art has… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“In the interview I was told that I’d be replacing Robert, who was a robot. The company thought they could save some… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman on a boat once. It was still on the showroom floor, but the way I rocked… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m like a staircase, she was like an elevator, and our relationship never escalated above friendship. I’d like to think we’ll one… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“If I had a clone, he’d better be my equal, and not my better. Can you imagine how I’d feel being jealous… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only will my kids be out to replace me, but so will all my clones. Makes me feel so disposable, like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like: Brick: Hello! Blanket: Hi!… — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“I won an Oscar. I Won it in a raffle. It’s a replica, but I still gave a teary-eyed acceptance speech. I… — Jarod Kintz Acceptance speech Copy Share Image
“If someone is playing on my fear, the natural tendency for a person is to throw all their energy and focus into… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Shaving a sheep is considered foreplay in some countries. But I don’t consider foreplay at all, not even before sex.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Why fly in a space ship when you can just park it in my driveway? I’ll even move my tricycle to the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I thought you were her because she wasn’t here yesterday and neither were you. What would I do without you? Probably the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best place to hide gold coins is in a treasure chest filled with those circular chocolates that are coin-sized and wrapped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all… — Jarod Kintz Patience Copy Share Image
“We all have to have something to hold on to, even if it’s our own torso.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I broke down when we broke up, but I didn’t break in to her house just to break out of my routine.” — Jarod Kintz Habits Copy Share Image
“With four tires on every car in the world, there’s too much rubber. All the Johns should take the condoms off their… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were silent and invisible, I’d fear nobody. And if I were tasteless too, not even the cannibals or modern art… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m for a big government. A big government contraction.” — Jarod Kintz Big government Copy Share Image
“If people lived to be a thousand years old, there’d be extreme inequality, based not on class like now, but on genetics.… — Jarod Kintz Lazy people Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I got a networking event, I don’t see a crowd of strangers—I see an admiring audience waiting for me to perform… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Love has a shape, but no color. You’re probably wondering, “If it’s transparent, how do you know what shape it is?” Good… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my… — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“If I had to live my life over, I’d live it over seas, like a cloud.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why does Joe Normie think it’s a litmus test for morality if one returns one’s shopping cart? Big-box stores put out of… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
