“I had a dream about you. You sold canned laughter, and I sold fresh laughter, straight out of my throat. You sold… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“There’s always going to be a criminal element in the population. At least as long as people believe they need politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“Is my conversation putting you to sleep, or is the rufie I slipped in your dog food finally starting to kick in?” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I’m tired of calling @PapaJohns. I wish they’d call me for once. I’m starting to think they don’t love me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and… — Jarod Kintz Bathing suit Copy Share Image
“I took my pants off slowly, thinking if I did it too fast I’d possibly rip a hole in the center of… — Jarod Kintz Center of the universe Copy Share Image
“I am submitting two pieces to be excluded in your show. Thank you for your inconsideration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He looked me right in my eyes and told me he just ate a sandwich, and I had to call him on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My mom and dad died, but in their place I got a house of fog that’s easy to hide my feelings in.… — Jarod Kintz Dad died Copy Share Image
“I want to get married, but first I’ll have to get a divorce.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What… — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The lights might have dimmed, but I blinked at that moment so I didn’t notice. I also didn’t notice her love, probably… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldnt tell because I was already sitting… — Jarod Kintz Ball game Copy Share Image
“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drive by a business that has a permanent sign that says, "Always hiring." Why in the world would they advertise the… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I am the bathtub of desire, but damnit woman, I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.” — Jarod Kintz Desire Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup?… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Love is like a unicorn with a rainbow for a horn. What I mean is it’s rare, and you’re lucky if you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Cats are magicians. They can make my erections disappear. All they have to do is jump in my lap while I’m masturbating.… — Jarod Kintz Golden girls Copy Share Image
“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a cuddle partner. Just glue some fur on it and voila! It’s as good as snuggling… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know what it means to be alone, especially in a large group of clones.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“My employer made me take a drug test. I got them all the answers right except for Viagra. On that question my… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“Some events in your life leave a lasting impression. A thing that majorly impacted my life was the car that hit me… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If I could build my own neighbors, I’d have no need to build a fence. I would tell you, “I would tell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the… — Jarod Kintz Opposite direction Copy Share Image
“I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
