“To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and… — Jarod Kintz Potato chips Copy Share Image
“Laying on top of me is better than laying on a bed, because a bed doesn’t give off rising heat, or supply… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A priest, a politician, and a philosopher walk into a bar, and the bartender stabs one of them. Which one did he… — Jarod Kintz Philosophy Copy Share Image
“Don’t scream out my name in bed. Scream out random fractions instead.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I collect nothing. The best part is, the less I have, the more I have.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“L and V, both angular. O and E, both vowels. Coupled together, like a couple of couples coupling and copulating, and you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Do not oppose my opposable thumbs. If you do, we’ll have a thumb war.” — Jarod Kintz War Copy Share Image
“I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn’t see eye to eye. We argued about the nature… — Jarod Kintz Eye to eye Copy Share Image
“If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went in the dark room. It wasn’t filled with photograph negatives, but it was filled with nighttime.” — Jarod Kintz Dark Copy Share Image
“The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a bottle opener. Just don’t smash down too hard, or you’ll shatter the bottle. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My elementary school principal, Prince Apple, had no principles. I know, because he offered to give me candy once, in exchange for… — Jarod Kintz Elementary school Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.” — Jarod Kintz Blowing smoke Copy Share Image
“Me and a group of friends meeting in private to bond and have fun may appear to outsiders as a shadowy secret… — Jarod Kintz Community Copy Share Image
“Read people by their surroundings, their personally designed environments. Like external body language, a room and how its arranged tells you things… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Stupidity mixed with arrogance mixed with anger mixed with adrenaline is a deadly combination. Just as deadly as adding fries and a… — Jarod Kintz Anger Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar, and the bartender turns and says, “What can I get you started with?”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad,… — Jarod Kintz Love people Copy Share Image
“My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.” — Jarod Kintz War Copy Share Image
“If I remain silent, the proper response is, “You don’t say.” — Jarod Kintz Remain Silent Copy Share Image
“I want to be able to Foxtrot, without actually getting fur on my clothes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Online social networking allows a small fish in a small pond to become bigger than a big fish in a big pond—without… — Jarod Kintz Big fish Copy Share Image
“Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with… — Jarod Kintz Passenger seat Copy Share Image
“I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the… — Jarod Kintz American dream Copy Share Image
“Just by looking at a picture, I can tell a lot about a person. Right off the bat, I can tell if… — Jarod Kintz Batman Copy Share Image
“I peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already someone in the shower.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
