“I need a bone saw—for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I stood under the umbrella for hours before I folded it up and started walking. Umbrellas can block the sun, shield the… — Jarod Kintz Coffee cup Copy Share Image
“I could only read the word because of the discoloration on the wall from the accumulation of grime over time around the… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“The moon is an orbital albino, and it gets tons of sunlight, so I propose Operation Sunscreen, where astronauts coat the surface… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers… — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my penis and eat cat… — Jarod Kintz Cat food Copy Share Image
“It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a suit, you should still invite me swimming. That’s the naked truth.” — Jarod Kintz Naked truth Copy Share Image
“If you’re an invisible person, of course you’re going to dress ostentatiously and flamboyantly, so people will finally start seeing you. I… — Jarod Kintz Missing Person Copy Share Image
“If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it’s as if you gave me an indirect handjob. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the interconnectedness of it all, the world is more fluid than ever. I blame it on the rain. Milli Vanilli was… — Jarod Kintz Milli vanilli Copy Share Image
“I called Phil up, but I didn’t call Phillip. He hung up on me, and I’m still hung up about that. To… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to rail against modern railroad barons, because this is America, and I believe that I too will one day… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I’ll let you see the door is open, so you know I’m open to the idea that you can leave anytime you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would be an organ donor, but I’d much rather donate a piano.” — Jarod Kintz Organ donor Copy Share Image
“It’s supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you’d better enjoy my love while it’s fresh,… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And… — Jarod Kintz Young age Copy Share Image
“Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!” — Jarod Kintz Economic depression Copy Share Image
“I’d be afraid of a man with two shadows, because that man is my clone, and he probably wants to kill me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She called and said she had to cancel tomorrow. “Cancel tomorrow!” I shrieked. “Does that make today the last day, or at… — Jarod Kintz Last day Copy Share Image
“If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you… — Jarod Kintz Water Copy Share Image
“Hiring managers claim they don’t discriminate, but that’s simply not true. The unqualified are constantly being discriminated against.” — Jarod Kintz Management Copy Share Image
“Death is like bedtime—we all want to put it off until tomorrow. But when you’re going to bed, I’m just getting up,… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“The longest I have ever gone without sex is sixteen years. But to my credit, elementary and middle school were rough dating… — Jarod Kintz Middle school Copy Share Image
“Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.” — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“I once went toe to toe with an international thumb war champion.” — Jarod Kintz War Copy Share Image
“Nobody peels a banana before stabbing themselves with it. But that’s exactly how I love—dangerously. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousness, as I wonder if anybody can see my… — Jarod Kintz Fake smile Copy Share Image
“It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?” — Jarod Kintz Tuesday Copy Share Image
“I care for her about my mom like a Maggie (three Donalds per serving).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If love existed an octave above where your vocal range ended, would you buy a dog whistle to… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends. ” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I… — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
