“I think ghosts think I think they taste like cheese. I also think ghosts think I love cheese more than any other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This presidential election will be as electric as an eel—and just as snakelike.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Wherever I go I carry around a clothes iron, a loaf of bread, and a block of cheddar, so no matter where… — Jarod Kintz Grilled cheese Copy Share Image
“Sure, I have nice shoes. They’re in my closet, collecting a patina of dust. My shoes were made for dancing, and that’s… — Jarod Kintz Nice Shoes Copy Share Image
“I'd like to see a flag made not out of stars and stripes, but rather fingers and knuckles, so that it could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“My favorite color is brown, as in Andrew Benson Brown.” — Jarod Kintz Favorite color Copy Share Image
“I want to take a sponge bath, but first I need to take that sponge and wash the dishes so I can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got semen stains on my shirt, and spaghetti stains on my underwear. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after… — Jarod Kintz Day After Tomorrow Copy Share Image
“The hole in my heart matches the key I gave her, and I’d like it back, along with the key to my… — Jarod Kintz Hole in my heart Copy Share Image
“Words failed me at the precise moment I thought I was passing my vocabulary test, and I can’t tell you how that… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Science, where would scientists be without it? They’d probably still be in my basement, where I left them a few minutes ago.” — Jarod Kintz Science Copy Share Image
The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around to propose to her. — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I remember in elementary school, Mother used to write my name on every single pair of my underwear. I guess she did… — Jarod Kintz Elementary school Copy Share Image
“I watched the sunset from the comfort of my bathtub, which has a clear bottom so I had an unobstructed view.” — Jarod Kintz Sunsets Copy Share Image
“My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“Love, I wrote the book on it. Unfortunately, nobody would publish it, so I felt compelled to burn my manuscript.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“If somebody pushed you down a well, I’d rush over and toss you a bucket, because I’m fucking thirsty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Today I got up at 6:03 AM. Ugh, too early. I just wanted to sleep in late, and wake up naturally at 6:04 AM.” — Jarod Kintz Too early Copy Share Image
“The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge… — Jarod Kintz Oh my god Copy Share Image
“Falling in love too quickly spells disaster. But I’ve always lived dangerously, and I spell disaster with a Z.” — Jarod Kintz Falling in love Copy Share Image
“The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. Cons—are former pros that made a mistake.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“My blender has a more powerful engine than my car, but my car doesn’t make smoothies as well. I drive a Toyota… — Jarod Kintz Limited edition Copy Share Image
If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public. — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick… — Jarod Kintz Stop war Copy Share Image
“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
