“Most people take four years to get a degree. Not me. I’m twice as ambitious. It took me nearly eight years to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Here is my naked body. Take a long look at what nobody else can look at. And hurry up, before all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am upset. I have reservations about dinner for two at 8:00. I have reservations about my reservations.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“For God’s sake, man, cover up your erection. Here, use the back pocket of my jeans.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There is one tree in Gainesville I call "Grandfather" because it looks like a giant Bonsai tree. Well, that and I actually… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A slice of cheese is like a blanket on a burger, and I sleep with pillows shaped like pickles.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of taking away your freedoms. –Uncle Sam ” — Jarod Kintz Freedom Copy Share Image
“Trying to define love is like trying to catch a ghost named Brita in a glass of purified water. It’s hard to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I knew it, but I knew you didn’t know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody is either honest or dishonest. Life is a gradient, and a saint might be an 8.7, and a dirtbag politician might… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The idea of a blind date scares me. But a deaf date would be great.” — Jarod Kintz Blind date Copy Share Image
“If my voice sounded like a dial tone, people would probably hang up on me all the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To let her imagine how great a lover I’d be, I ate soup with chopsticks. She went home with another man, but… — Jarod Kintz Another man Copy Share Image
“A Letter to Andre Breton, Originally Composed on a Leaf of Lettuce With an Ink-dipped Carrot On my bed, my green comforter… — Jarod Kintz Berlin wall Copy Share Image
“The name’s David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I’m also not my own father, if you were wondering.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“I’m a nail biter. Not when I’m nervous, but when I misplace my hammer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Im at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. Im standing on the board right now. — Jarod Kintz Games Copy Share Image
“I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my closet I have boxes and boxes of secrets. These boxes are all empty, and that’s how you know they’re filled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would visit Hawaii, but I’m not that strong of a swimmer. My strength is all in my heart, and I love… — Jarod Kintz Arnold schwarzenegger Copy Share Image
“I serve the people. Am I a politician? No, I’m just a greedy and corrupt waiter.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been… — Jarod Kintz Belly button Copy Share Image
“When someone I admire turns out to be a rather normal guy, I get offended because it’s an insult to my jealousy.” — Jarod Kintz Jealousy Copy Share Image
I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me! — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well,… — Jarod Kintz Bad news Copy Share Image
“I work for the nod syndicate. It’s a sleepy job. If I’m caught not sleeping on the job, I’ll get fired.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On my list of things to be when I grew up was a character in a Gary Larson comic. With one of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“My mashed potatoes come with a masturbation sound you pour on top, like gravy. I got the recipe from Pee Wee Herman.” — Jarod Kintz Mashed potatoes Copy Share Image
“My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid… — Jarod Kintz Band aid Copy Share Image
