“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best thing my grandpa ever said to me was, “Gladys, bring me some more damn soup.” Well, maybe he wasn’t talking… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“She sucked my finger, and I licked the sleepy seeds out of the corner of her eye. Ah, foreplay.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I’m a neat person (interesting), but I’m not a neat person (organized).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love so much you could probably see my affection from space with the naked eye (take off your eyelids, woman!)” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We went for a ride—you on all fours, and me on your back, and you didn’t… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.” — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Most people walk along the beach hoping to find a fossilized Megalodon shark’s tooth or something. But not me. I walk along… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t tell me to watch my step, because I’m like a staircase—so can you be more specific? Which step should I watch?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a woman says she got a bad haircut, and I agree with her, am I being agreeable, or an asshole?” — Jarod Kintz Bad hair Copy Share Image
“I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a stool softener. Or it could also be used to soften a chair. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t buy milk cartons for the calcium. I buy them for the portraits. All those people aren’t missing milk as much… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran over a dog last night on my way home, and then I wondered what my wife had made for dinner.… — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“Love is a lot like coffee, I once thought as I suckled on a milky nipple. But I was one at the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My nostrils smell, but not to you. Oh, they have no odor, unless you count the scent of nostalgia, which is what… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t even hear the phrase ‘Four score and seven years ago’ without thinking of what?” my mom asked. “A top hat… — Jarod Kintz Years ago Copy Share Image
“The dolphin is a mammal, but it can’t walk. However, it can hitchhike.” — Jarod Kintz Walking Copy Share Image
“The water trapped in my window makes it like an aquarium—which makes me the fish.” — Jarod Kintz Water Copy Share Image
“A wink and a glance walk into a bar. I know because I saw it out of the corner of my eye.” — Jarod Kintz Walking Copy Share Image
“The most environmentally friendly last name is Green.” — Jarod Kintz Environmentally friendly Copy Share Image
“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I’m a good mother?” — Jarod Kintz Good mother Copy Share Image
“She had a picture of a llama, so under it I wrote, “I didn’t know you knew my brother.” — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
