“I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’d rather play with small quantities of large people than large quantities of small people.” — Jarod Kintz Small people Copy Share Image
“I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates.” — Jarod Kintz Gas Pedal Copy Share Image
“There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me.” — Jarod Kintz Dead people Copy Share Image
“Sunburns are so embarrassing that they always make me blush all over.” — Jarod Kintz Blush Copy Share Image
“I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had breasts like deflated balloons, and nipples like the wrinkled and floppy part you put your mouth on to blow them… — Jarod Kintz Breasts Like Copy Share Image
“I’m productive. I make something. I make a difference in the world. But to be honest, China can make it cheaper. ” — Jarod Kintz Productive Copy Share Image
“I didn’t do it, because not doing seemed like the right thing to do. I’ll always love her in a way that… — Jarod Kintz Doing Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a vampire shark, let alone caught one,… — Jarod Kintz Bait Copy Share Image
“While you weren't looking, I flicked a booger in your soup. Just my way of saying thanks for dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Booger Copy Share Image
“Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver.… — Jarod Kintz Band aid Copy Share Image
“I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.” — Jarod Kintz Innocent Copy Share Image
“-Do you see that? -Yeah, what is it? -That’s the truth. -How can you tell it’s the truth? -Because it’s ugly.” — Jarod Kintz Tell Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a cube. No it couldn’t. If you thought it could, you need to be punished. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener… — Jarod Kintz Best day Copy Share Image
“The worst book I’ve ever read is “Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a sail for my self-esteem when I’m floating upstream on the turbulent river of my subconscious.… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could be a good thing, or that could be a… — Jarod Kintz Bad thing Copy Share Image
“I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for… — Jarod Kintz Devil Copy Share Image
“The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was "Stop!" Thinking back, I don't know if he was… — Jarod Kintz Grandpa Copy Share Image
“This work is the link between my Dear Natalie piece and my upcoming Agatha work. It bridges that lapse in time and… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“First machine kicked man’s ass physically, then machine started taking over the left-brain when Deep Blue bested Kasparov in chess, and then… — Jarod Kintz Brain Copy Share Image
“If I could fly, life would be amazing. But paraplegic people say the same thing about walking, and I freaking hate walking.… — Jarod Kintz Flight Copy Share Image
“I nearly ran him over after he ran out in front of my car. So I slammed on the brakes, rolled down… — Jarod Kintz Killed Copy Share Image
“I’m tired of thinking about Agatha. Well, not about her, but about my loss of her. Today I went through some old… — Jarod Kintz Bad day Copy Share Image
“I can’t charge you 99 cents for a book called 99 Cents For Some Nonsense, because that would make sense. However, I… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“The best way to get America back to work, and reduce our deficit, is hire all the photographers in the country, position… — Jarod Kintz Gas prices Copy Share Image
“My computer set-up is crazy. I have wireless set up on my iMac, aimed at a router, which itself is perfectly angled… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
