“His last name was Chew, and I didn’t care if he was Asian, I still screamed, “Not with your mouth open!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry my love over, and I carry over the two when we multiply.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave… — Jarod Kintz Housing market Copy Share Image
“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would tell you I hope you find what you seek in life, but your problem is you’re not looking. The only… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“My closet’s so full of memories and fearful homosexuals that I have nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, that and I don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a tiger made out of a paper towel, and I’m going to wipe you out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t like the term “Average Joe.” I prefer “Dolly,” because not only is the Everyman a sheep, but he’s also a… — Jarod Kintz Average joe Copy Share Image
“For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love… — Jarod Kintz Corn flakes Copy Share Image
“God, the devil, and Orafoura were walking along a river one day when they came across three naked women splashing in the… — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out… — Jarod Kintz Football coach Copy Share Image
“We made love like water makes life, and thinking about it makes me so horny I’m thirsty. My cup runneth over, but… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ate a half a cookie, but not because I wanted to. I ate it out of necessity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wear loud clothes. They aren’t bright colors, but I do have speakers sewn into my shirts. What can I say, I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Bright colors Copy Share Image
“If it looks like you have pink eye, I’ll take a look at it. Drop your pants and bend over.” — Jarod Kintz Pink Copy Share Image
“Red calls out to the rose, but I’m the only one who’s listening.” — Jarod Kintz Flowers Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to start writing if you have something to write about, rather than staring at a blank screen thinking about nothing… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I snagged a good parking spot. I also snagged my sweater in the process.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Now that parking meters have shifted from quarters to credit cards, I worry someone will steal my identity, my wallet, and my… — Jarod Kintz Credit card Copy Share Image
“I want to be the boss, and have my name embossed on the corner office door.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep me from exploding. My patience is wearing thin, and my clothes are also wearing thin,… — Jarod Kintz Patience Copy Share Image
“A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“Dr. Chuck “Chuckles” Gigglebrooks, lead researcher at the National Association of Laughter Studies, had this conclusion to draw about why people laugh:… — Jarod Kintz Leadership Copy Share Image
“Everybody has something to offer the world. Even rapists, murderers, and politicians. Well, maybe not politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
