“My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Cat food Copy Share Image
“I enjoy breakfast in bed. But not while I am sleeping, because that’s when I’m making love.” — Jarod Kintz Breakfast Copy Share Image
“People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.” — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.” — Jarod Kintz Gogh Copy Share Image
“I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Scars are proof man isn’t perfect, though constantly getting closer.” — Jarod Kintz Closer Copy Share Image
“You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes, like if he’s barefoot or not.” — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“I like to hike in state parks, but one thing I can’t stand is pants. So I don’t wear any. My wallet… — Jarod Kintz Wallet Copy Share Image
“The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish it had been brown.” — Jarod Kintz Couch Copy Share Image
“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out some doors need to be pulled to be opened. I like to… — Jarod Kintz Door Copy Share Image
“My fur coat is still wet, not from the rain, but from where my cat was licking it. Well, my future fur… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.” — Jarod Kintz Lifespan Copy Share Image
“I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Night—it’s the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing my depression isn’t an every day kind… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and… — Jarod Kintz Shoplifting Copy Share Image
“The rumor is that my cousin dates phoenix sculptures made out of cheese. It has to be true, because it's too weird… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I would give you my grandma’s slow-knitted Duck Soup dance-routine recipe, but my grandpa sold it to Roger Bannister for three minutes… — Jarod Kintz Duck Copy Share Image
“I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“I’m world famous. Throughout the globe—north, south, east, and west—there are literally four people who know my name. It’s great to have… — Jarod Kintz Around the world Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I want to be a politician because I like the idea of public service. Come on, who wouldn’t want all the people… — Jarod Kintz God life Copy Share Image
“My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it… — Jarod Kintz Facial expression Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I give automated responses to people without even listening to what they say. For example, someone might tell me, “Enjoy the… — Jarod Kintz Reply Copy Share Image
“She made amazing artwork. While I focused on the absurd, trying to make the strangest juxtapositions possible, her work was delicate and… — Jarod Kintz Artwork Copy Share Image
“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“But I had come down here for a reason. I was looking for Thor. It was Saturday, so he was most likely… — Jarod Kintz Secret Door Copy Share Image
“What is art? Art is tar, rearranged. Art is tar on canvas or tar on tarp or tar on a naked body.… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Things can go three ways—left, right, or straight. If you stand on one side, either the left or the right, you will… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz likes writing about himself in the third person, because he really relates to the third person. The odd man out.… — Jarod Kintz Bronze medal Copy Share Image
“Thor again tutored me in the seventh grade, when I was learning Algebra. Algebra was quite an experience for me. Thor spent… — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
