“Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“I drive by the spot of my injury, because each time I do, the pain lessens, and it teaches me a lesson.” — Jarod Kintz Pain Copy Share Image
“Things to do in an elevator: Install a glass display, like in a museum, over the floor buttons and have a sign… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The moment I heard her name I fell in love. Of course I fell in love with the wrong name, so I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Where there’s a winner, there’s a loser, and always at the same time. Occasionally even in the same person.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“LIberty is slavery. Or, well, you already know. P.S. Can you find my logo in the image?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To find my mistakes, you’re going to need a shovel—and a missing person’s list.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I inherited my sense of passion and romance from the Romans. Specifically Nero and all the fire he possessed.” — Jarod Kintz Passion Copy Share Image
“I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?” — Jarod Kintz Music making Copy Share Image
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasnt hungry, I just wanted to call some plays. — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You looked so beautiful that I felt compelled to say something. So I said, “The fish… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Water always flows downhill. So does my love. Are you prepared for a flood? You’d better build an ark.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent “p.” Stay quiet woman!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Each one of my nostrils is the size of my urethra. Every breath smells like piss.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like wearing earth tones, and ties with little shovels stitched on. I stitched them on myself.” — Jarod Kintz Nature Copy Share Image
“Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind,… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t mind politicians lying to me, stealing from me, or senselessly making life difficult if they didn’t try to claim they… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’m not Helen Keller—I’m Van Gogh. It’s not that I can’t hear, it’s that I don’t use my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“Teamwork: I love the idea of all for one—especially if that one is me.” — Jarod Kintz Teamwork Copy Share Image
“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ended up with the nomination, and the breasts to back up the voter’s confidence in me as a woman.” — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Behind the door lies the question: Have you ever heard of a thing called knocking?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
