“If you don’t speak Greek, how do you know if it’s all Greek to you?” — Jarod Kintz Greek Copy Share Image
Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper. — Jarod Kintz Apart Copy Share Image
“My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.” — Jarod Kintz Erection Copy Share Image
“Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that.” — Jarod Kintz Balance Copy Share Image
“My neck size is about the size of both of my girlfriend’s clenched hands.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.” — Jarod Kintz Hearing Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I have a spreadsheet of all the women I'd like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is… — Jarod Kintz Grandma Copy Share Image
“I want to grow a tan and an accent, then dig it out of my garden and staple it to my naked… — Jarod Kintz Rushdie Copy Share Image
“I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“You want to tell me what this is? she asked as she gabbed my erection. “A miracle of science,” I replied.” — Jarod Kintz Erection Copy Share Image
“Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino… — Jarod Kintz Secretary Copy Share Image
“What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has… — Jarod Kintz Hard way Copy Share Image
“She called and said she had to cancel tomorrow. “Cancel tomorrow!” I shrieked. “Does that make today the last day, or at… — Jarod Kintz Last day Copy Share Image
“Online social networking allows a small fish in a small pond to become bigger than a big fish in a big pond—without… — Jarod Kintz Big fish Copy Share Image
“An award winner recommended and commended someone’s work, and that someone later endorsed my work, so it’s like I’m an award winner… — Jarod Kintz Award Copy Share Image
“I’m so shy that if you played “Guess The Mannequin” with me and two mannequins, you’d pick me, because I’m the quiet… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose… — Jarod Kintz Nose Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. If only your spouse is invited under your blanket, then each party feels… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“Zebras are the lions of the animal world. I mean they would be, if lions weren’t already the lions of the animal… — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“A Letter to Andre Breton, Originally Composed on a Leaf of Lettuce With an Ink-dipped Carrot On my bed, my green comforter… — Jarod Kintz Berlin wall Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show you how to live a richer, fuller, more satisfying life. Don’t you want to have… — Jarod Kintz Atom bomb Copy Share Image
“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Have you ever wanted to learn Geometry, Calculus, Physics, German, and the mystical teachings of Orafoura? Well, now you can! Just not… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why… — Jarod Kintz Free time Copy Share Image
“Why does Joe Normie think it’s a litmus test for morality if one returns one’s shopping cart? Big-box stores put out of… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz was born in Salt Lake City to a family of five. One father, and four mothers. Jarod moved around a… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
