“Some people should have stopped singing in the 60s, even if they were born in the 80s.” — Jarod Kintz Singing Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“He’s a monk, the fifth of his kind. I call him Monk E, and he is a primate.” — Jarod Kintz Fifth Copy Share Image
“Pants don’t walk without legs in them. Let that be a lesson in love.” — Jarod Kintz Legs Copy Share Image
“So you made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Let me beat you up instead.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Insects have the most sex. Trust me, I peep on them through my microscope.” — Jarod Kintz Insects Copy Share Image
“The fields of science are full of crop circles that can't yet be explained by scientific means.” — Jarod Kintz Fields Copy Share Image
“If your toaster isn’t working, stick your sword in the bread slot, and see if that doesn’t improve its behavior.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“If somebody’s a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say something kind and walk away.” — Jarod Kintz Jerk Copy Share Image
“If our limbic system betrays our true intentions, and it’s beyond our conscious control, then only a fool would consider lying a… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“If a man is choking to death on a bite of steak, there is really only one thing to do—finish eating his… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said… — Jarod Kintz Vodka Copy Share Image
“If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That’s not slavery.… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“If someone asks you what the most popular form of transportation is, before you jump to car, you might want to ask… — Jarod Kintz Taxi Copy Share Image
“I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At… — Jarod Kintz New job Copy Share Image
“Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good… — Jarod Kintz 48 hours Copy Share Image
“I wrote a song called "Stinky Sodomite." It isn't a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it… — Jarod Kintz Pop song Copy Share Image
“Sometimes when I’m watching TV and I see a horrible commercial I think, “Only an asshole would buy that.” Then I think,… — Jarod Kintz Advertising agency Copy Share Image
“People say, How could God allow helpless children to die? While I look around the world and see corruption, pollution, filth, lies,… — Jarod Kintz Around the world Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single.… — Jarod Kintz First time Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were crying, and your tears were so salty I decided to collect your sadness to… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I want to write the world’s worst cookbook, which I’ll title: “The World’s Worst Cookbook.” It’ll feature recipes from “Peanut Butter and… — Jarod Kintz Cookbook Copy Share Image
“Some people create war and misery, some create wealth and money, and some create ideas and art. But we all create our… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
