“I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.” — Jarod Kintz Jealous Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.” — Jarod Kintz Biology Copy Share Image
“It’s not true that selling stolen goods has no overhead. Prison’s got a ceiling.” — Jarod Kintz Prison Copy Share Image
“Most people like winners, but I prefer underdogs. They’re more fun to pet.” — Jarod Kintz Underdogs Copy Share Image
“Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.” — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“Watching two cows have sex is the most magical experience at Cereal Land.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I yelled at my cat to knock it off, and sure enough, he did. And it broke.” — Jarod Kintz Broke Copy Share Image
“What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking… — Jarod Kintz Leadership Copy Share Image
“One word I’d use to describe space is lonely. The only way I’ll board a space shuttle is if I had a… — Jarod Kintz Lonely Copy Share Image
“Trying to define love is like trying to catch a ghost named Brita in a glass of purified water. It’s hard to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“How many midget feet can you fit in your shoes? Depends on how big your penis is. Mine is 17 syllables long,… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“I want eyebrows shaped like pinball swatters, and to accompany that I’ll get a Hindu dot on my forehead.” — Jarod Kintz Hinduism Copy Share Image
“I decided to eat my legal counsel, because at 200 bucks an hour it was either that or pay the man. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help my career. Things have gone cold in this economic depression, so anything to help warm… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“If I woke up naked in bed with a strange British woman, my first thought would be, “How’d I get in England?”… — Jarod Kintz Woman Thought Copy Share Image
“Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I rearranged the letters of the word “neologism” to make the word neologism itself a neologism, as well as an anagram. The… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Arlington National cemetery is huge! But that’s not surprising, because DC is the world’s largest graveyard of good ideas and intentions. Politicians… — Jarod Kintz Good ideas Copy Share Image
“How do you run with confidence and insulation?” Orafoura asked me. ”I don’t know,” I replied, “asbestos you can.” “No,” he replied.… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“Both sexes have assholes, and both sexes have nipples. Yet only asshole is a genderless derogatory term. In the name of equality… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Dirty Shoes Copy Share Image
“But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks I didn’t have for some… — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar, and the bartender turns and says, “What can I get you started with?”… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write… — Jarod Kintz Best teacher Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You told me you circled three words in three books scattered in the Library of Alexandria,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three… — Jarod Kintz Louis Xvi Copy Share Image
“The owner of The Mandrake Hotel and Resort is a man called Rot, a billionaire like Bill Gates, only nerdier. Rot Kugelschreiber… — Jarod Kintz Owner Mandrake Copy Share Image
“The neon orange orb sat low in the sky, slowly breaking free of the horizon like the waking memory of a dream.… — Jarod Kintz Bubble bath Copy Share Image
“I am excited to report that I may have gotten a job as an elevator attendant. It's a three-flight elevator, and my… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan… — Jarod Kintz Animal shelter Copy Share Image
