“I’m a stand up guy. Especially when compared to someone sitting down.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.” — Jarod Kintz Drowning Copy Share Image
“I used to drive a parking lot, and I’d always park it directly under somebody’s car.” — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.” — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“It’s hot as a watermelon in this cantaloupe called pineapple. And that’s a fact.” — Jarod Kintz Hot Watermelon Copy Share Image
“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.” — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“I’m interested in portraying the internal workings of things externally out of work.” — Jarod Kintz Interested Portraying Copy Share Image
“Amnesia is not the only time you’ll forget who you are. It’ll also happen the first time you see your own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Amnesia Copy Share Image
“My lawn has brown spots. They’re not dead patches, they’re piles of poop. When you walk on the grass, try not to… — Jarod Kintz Lawn Copy Share Image
“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already… — Jarod Kintz Redundancy Copy Share Image
“Greek 201 is always easier than Greek 101, because at first it’s all Greek to you, and later the material is still… — Jarod Kintz Latin Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“The military told me I had no depth perception. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I can see you’re all shallow mercenaries.” — Jarod Kintz Shallow Copy Share Image
“A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“The best way to dig yourself out of a hole, is with a dead guy’s fingernails. Then, once you’re out of the… — Jarod Kintz Burying Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a puzzle. See if you can correctly add up the number of sides. If you keep… — Jarod Kintz Puzzle Copy Share Image
“A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy hat Copy Share Image
“One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer,… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“Unless I’m dead, I’ll definitely be at your funeral. Just be sure to return the favor and show up at mine. Your… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“I could see that she was eager to please and impress me, and I was excited to see someone so excited to… — Jarod Kintz Excited Copy Share Image
“I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I… — Jarod Kintz Crying Copy Share Image
