“When I'm on a backhoe, I'm shaping clay. I am a sculptor. I am a farm artist.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.” — Jarod Kintz Drowning Copy Share Image
“I used to drive a parking lot, and I’d always park it directly under somebody’s car.” — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.” — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“It’s hot as a watermelon in this cantaloupe called pineapple. And that’s a fact.” — Jarod Kintz Hot Watermelon Copy Share Image
“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.” — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“I’m interested in portraying the internal workings of things externally out of work.” — Jarod Kintz Interested Portraying Copy Share Image
“If you sound like shit, you sound like smell—which is crazy because smell looks like blindness, with a mustache.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“For me, TV and broke go together. Not as in, The TV is broken, but more of noticing that most people who… — Jarod Kintz Broke Copy Share Image
“I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.” — Jarod Kintz Killed Cat Copy Share Image
“When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Amnesia is not the only time you’ll forget who you are. It’ll also happen the first time you see your own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Amnesia Copy Share Image
“Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“My lawn has brown spots. They’re not dead patches, they’re piles of poop. When you walk on the grass, try not to… — Jarod Kintz Lawn Copy Share Image
“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already… — Jarod Kintz Redundancy Copy Share Image
“If love were a color, it'd be orange. Not because that's a romantic color, but because it's the sweetest. If you want… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a puzzle. See if you can correctly add up the number of sides. If you keep… — Jarod Kintz Puzzle Copy Share Image
“A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy hat Copy Share Image
“One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer,… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“Unless I’m dead, I’ll definitely be at your funeral. Just be sure to return the favor and show up at mine. Your… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three… — Jarod Kintz Louis Xvi Copy Share Image
“The owner of The Mandrake Hotel and Resort is a man called Rot, a billionaire like Bill Gates, only nerdier. Rot Kugelschreiber… — Jarod Kintz Owner Mandrake Copy Share Image
“The neon orange orb sat low in the sky, slowly breaking free of the horizon like the waking memory of a dream.… — Jarod Kintz Bubble bath Copy Share Image
“I didn’t write this piece to attract a potential mate, as the title might lead a reader to believe. That said, I… — Jarod Kintz Attract Copy Share Image
“I am excited to report that I may have gotten a job as an elevator attendant. It's a three-flight elevator, and my… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan… — Jarod Kintz Animal shelter Copy Share Image
“I don’t know why she broke up with me. I was always there when she needed me. Well, aside for about 3/4ths… — Jarod Kintz Good thing Copy Share Image
“I could only read the word because of the discoloration on the wall from the accumulation of grime over time around the… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
