“I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be reverse engineered to discover the origin of sleep. If we could figure out where sleep comes from, we’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This is the Los Angeles Lakers of sunsets. Purple and yellow, it reminds me of Larry Bird.” — Jarod Kintz Larry-bird Copy Share Image
“I've never had a one-night stand with anybody over the course of a whole weekend. I've also never had a one-night stand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For me, the badlands are entirely too naughty. The whole time I was in South Dakota I felt like I needed a… — Jarod Kintz South dakota Copy Share Image
“I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there. ” — Jarod Kintz Cold world Copy Share Image
“I worked with a sketch artist, but I was driving fast when I saw the suspect, so the drawing came out blurry.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the… — Jarod Kintz Light bulb Copy Share Image
“When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I’ll probably call my grandma up, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.” — Jarod Kintz Right now Copy Share Image
“A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bah, Alzheimer’s. Grandma wouldn’t be so forgetful if she didn’t always have dick on her mind.” — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn't real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With me and my girl, I’m number one—and she’s the index finger. We’re the same, but I go where she points.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
