“I got stood up. I wasn’t mad, because at the time I was in a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I’m practically famous. More than eleven people have heard of me. Twelve, to be exact.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cling to our love like saran wrap on leftovers. If you want to know when dinner will be ready, the answer… — Jarod Kintz Last night Copy Share Image
“Every home needs a woman’s touch. My penis also needs a woman’s touch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He played a great part in my life. It was great in that it was a majority of time, but it wasn’t… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If you are an aspiring honey farmer, I have a documentary you NEED to watch. It's called The Beekeeper, and it stars… — Jarod Kintz Bees Copy Share Image
“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee… — Jarod Kintz Drinking coffee Copy Share Image
“Pride must be a summer thing, because it "comes before the fall.” — Jarod Kintz Fall Copy Share Image
“Most people like winners, but I prefer underdogs. They’re more fun to pet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, "I like your suit." And the tailor replies, "This morning I spotted… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could capture the rays of the sun in a can, I'd paint a canvas with it and have you look… — Jarod Kintz Rays Of The Sun Copy Share Image
I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to switch things up by keeping things the same. People never expect it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The crowd was patriotic, and they were chanting “USA, USA.” Of course, the crowd was also dyslexic out at the state university… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t use coarse humor, but occasionally I’ll joke about intercourse—between midget siblings.” — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am not adventurous, though I can manage to look at and enjoy sunsets. However, sunrises scare me.” — Jarod Kintz Adventure Copy Share Image
“You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.” — Jarod Kintz Work Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to line the walls of the Love Chamber, to soundproof it so that nobody hears you scream. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
