“How many midget feet can you fit in your shoes? Depends on how big your penis is. Mine is 17 syllables long,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I wanted a tyrannical omelet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth.” — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be employed to stop global warming, by using it to clog up the world’s smallest volcano. I would use… — Jarod Kintz Global warming Copy Share Image
“Of my own accord I want to learn the accordion, according to a cord (not a chord).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I’ll never see again. Keep it wrapped tight, because every… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, thats just what Ill do. Its this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“My first inclination is to make my business all about me, but my second instinct is to make my business all about… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“The first man to successfully clone himself deserves to pat himself on the back. And then give himself a back massage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your… — Jarod Kintz Job interview Copy Share Image
“If love melted like a statue made of butter, would you consider me a pancake or a waffle?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“You may not have said anything, but you’re right—silence is the best response.” — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“I wonder if babies could be made more efficiently on a conveyer belt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my name were Mark Twain, I’d write under the pseudonym “Samuel Clemens.” — Jarod Kintz Samuel Clemens Copy Share Image
“One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Most kids start talking by age two. I didn't say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had an orange penis, and an erection, I might take offense at carrot eaters. Baby carrots.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s… — Jarod Kintz Toilet seat Copy Share Image
