“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Lay on me, and let my heat escape up to you, while you’ll act as my insulation and blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Heat Copy Share Image
“If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.” — Jarod Kintz Chance Copy Share Image
“Only cowards never tire of cowering. I try to milk the cower for all it’s worth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would rather build a relationship than a wall. Can you pass me another brick?” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’m a nail biter. Not when I’m nervous, but when I misplace my hammer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The crawl is the perfect word to describe how slow swimming is—even though it’s the fastest of the four strokes.” — Jarod Kintz Crawl Copy Share Image
“Danger is the most dangerous word, because it encompasses all the dangerous words like gun, killer, etc.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t want to work in a nursery, because I can’t deal with children. Or bees. Can I offer you some tea,… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“There’s nobody worth talking about, so let’s not talk about it. Only let’s do it anyway. I’ll make it up and then… — Jarod Kintz Talking Copy Share Image
“I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Whenever I schedule an appointment, my general rule of thumb is, tomorrow is better than yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Better Than Yesterday Copy Share Image
“We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been… — Jarod Kintz Meet Copy Share Image
“I’m willing to die for my beliefs, but over the course of a lifetime and not all at once right now.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Then I quickly snatched it out, because hell, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Architecture Copy Share Image
“It reminds me of something Zelda told her friend about me when she didn’t think I was listening: “I wish he had… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans… — Jarod Kintz American people Copy Share Image
“Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on… — Jarod Kintz Crying Copy Share Image
“Because I’m emotionally immature, I’d prefer letting go of you early and always remembering you as you were, rather than hanging on… — Jarod Kintz Emotionally Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose… — Jarod Kintz Nose Copy Share Image
“I’ll piss in a cup for you. You can run a drug test on it, or you can drink it.” — Jarod Kintz Piss Copy Share Image
