“I don't like musty smells. I much prefer less definitive fragrances, like the scent of maybe.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?” — Jarod Kintz Cannibalism Copy Share Image
“The statue stood quiet and still, like the silhouette of a tired mime.” — Jarod Kintz Statue Copy Share Image
“My name is heroic. You just have to rearrange all the letters, and possibly replace a few.” — Jarod Kintz Heroic Copy Share Image
“A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.” — Jarod Kintz Like Cucumber Copy Share Image
“My ex was the shape of a planet, and when she wore a belt, that planet was Saturn.” — Jarod Kintz Saturn Copy Share Image
“If my voice sounded like a dial tone, people would probably hang up on me all the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock.” — Jarod Kintz Branding Copy Share Image
“I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.” — Jarod Kintz Water Copy Share Image
“I worked with a sketch artist, but I was driving fast when I saw the suspect, so the drawing came out blurry.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I wear loud clothes. They aren’t bright colors, but I do have speakers sewn into my shirts. What can I say, I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Bright colors Copy Share Image
“Then he cocked his head to the side, arched his left eyebrow like a drawbridge, and said, “I am you in the… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name… — Jarod Kintz Killing Copy Share Image
“The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down… — Jarod Kintz Pong Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven.… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things.… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A traditional doctor gets paid to push pills, vaccinate, radiate, and basically exterminate people. No different than a contract killer—except the hit… — Jarod Kintz Doctor Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV… — Jarod Kintz Change the world Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were traveling in your car. You were driving, and I was securely fastened by ropes… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because… — Jarod Kintz Clocks Copy Share Image
“Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and… — Jarod Kintz Identity Copy Share Image
“With a last name like Elov, you’d probably have a mixed up love life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I only get information from mutes, because they’re sure to keep things quiet.” — Jarod Kintz Quiet Copy Share Image
“I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor. ” — Jarod Kintz Spilled Copy Share Image
“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.” — Jarod Kintz Midget Copy Share Image
“It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A large boiling pot of water is not a Jacuzzi. Still, I think you should jump in.” — Jarod Kintz Boiling Copy Share Image
“My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“The cop wanted to know what was in the bag. I said, Another cop.” — Jarod Kintz Wanted Know Copy Share Image
“I want to make love to the French Revolution. Or maybe just get some head from Robespierre.” — Jarod Kintz French revolution Copy Share Image
“My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.” — Jarod Kintz Vapid Copy Share Image
“I live in the armpit of the country. I can tell by how hairy and smelly and hilly it is.” — Jarod Kintz Hairy Copy Share Image
“I wonder what city Grover Cleveland is from. Probably Cincinnati.” — Jarod Kintz Cincinnati Copy Share Image
“Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
