“I could see that she was eager to please and impress me, and I was excited to see someone so excited to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.” — Jarod Kintz Friends and family Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a doorstop. But why bother? To promote an open-door policy, I had all the walls knocked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If trees had love, instead of leaves, I’d gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.” — Jarod Kintz Birth Copy Share Image
“A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks). ” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Pele popularized the bicycle kick, and I created the unicycle kick. It’s like the bicycle kick, only it requires more balance and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn't spill out. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is yesterday’s tomorrow, minus the frozen musical notes, soggy teabags, and political opposition from your own embryonic offspring.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die,… — Jarod Kintz Work hard Copy Share Image
“On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know… — Jarod Kintz Knowledge Copy Share Image
“People don’t know what I’ve gone through to get where I’m at—six tunnels and three metal detectors.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when… — Jarod Kintz Cold war Copy Share Image
“A writer must be a lifelong reader to be good. And if you want to be a great writer, I’d suggest trying… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“The proof is in the putting. But it’s sexier to be taking off (just don’t take off without me).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to decadence, and decadence… — Jarod Kintz Gummy bear Copy Share Image
“In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would answer the door for the pizza delivery guy wearing my birthday suit, but it had cake all over it so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.”… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, "Beautiful weather we're… — Jarod Kintz Too many people Copy Share Image
