“Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago, because both are forever out of reach.” — Jarod Kintz Millennia Copy Share Image
“Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I like holding hands. Especially if those holding hands are holding my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Holding hands Copy Share Image
“The only French I know is a kiss. I studied a lot of that foreign tongue in high school.” — Jarod Kintz French Copy Share Image
“I don't like musty smells. I much prefer less definitive fragrances, like the scent of maybe.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?” — Jarod Kintz Cannibalism Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket are going to help me conquer the world. Just give me an army at my disposal, and… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“It’s very hard to whisper in your own ear. Love is an art, but as an artist, I guess I’m no Van… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock.” — Jarod Kintz Branding Copy Share Image
“Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.” — Jarod Kintz Excrement Scream Copy Share Image
“I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.” — Jarod Kintz Water Copy Share Image
“I worked with a sketch artist, but I was driving fast when I saw the suspect, so the drawing came out blurry.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I want to do something so hard so easily, and I want to do it with no hands. Only gloves. Love will… — Jarod Kintz Fill the void Copy Share Image
“Looking at you in a mirror makes you more of an ally than an opponent, because I’m standing next to you, rather… — Jarod Kintz Ally Copy Share Image
“Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If… — Jarod Kintz Brick Wrapped Copy Share Image
“The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down… — Jarod Kintz Pong Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven.… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things.… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A traditional doctor gets paid to push pills, vaccinate, radiate, and basically exterminate people. No different than a contract killer—except the hit… — Jarod Kintz Doctor Copy Share Image
“The statue stood quiet and still, like the silhouette of a tired mime.” — Jarod Kintz Statue Copy Share Image
“My name is heroic. You just have to rearrange all the letters, and possibly replace a few.” — Jarod Kintz Heroic Copy Share Image
“A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.” — Jarod Kintz Like Cucumber Copy Share Image
“My ex was the shape of a planet, and when she wore a belt, that planet was Saturn.” — Jarod Kintz Saturn Copy Share Image
“If my voice sounded like a dial tone, people would probably hang up on me all the time.” — Jarod Kintz Voice Sounded Copy Share Image
“With a last name like Elov, you’d probably have a mixed up love life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I only get information from mutes, because they’re sure to keep things quiet.” — Jarod Kintz Quiet Copy Share Image
“I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor. ” — Jarod Kintz Spilled Copy Share Image
“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.” — Jarod Kintz Midget Copy Share Image
“It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A large boiling pot of water is not a Jacuzzi. Still, I think you should jump in.” — Jarod Kintz Boiling Copy Share Image
“My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“The cop wanted to know what was in the bag. I said, Another cop.” — Jarod Kintz Wanted Know Copy Share Image
