“I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I won’t ever walk out on my woman, not even if she gives me Gatorade and says I’m good to go.” — Jarod Kintz Woman Copy Share Image
“Love with all your heart. And the rest of your body. Oh, and your mind, too.” — Jarod Kintz Heart Copy Share Image
“Make your money make money: Buy a printing press and some blank currency paper.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Left Copy Share Image
“I wonder if babies could be made more efficiently on a conveyer belt.” — Jarod Kintz Babies Copy Share Image
“There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and… — Jarod Kintz Safe Copy Share Image
“I saw two statues talking to each other. I didn’t hear what they were saying, perhaps because they were whispering.” — Jarod Kintz Talking Didn Copy Share Image
“A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way… — Jarod Kintz Warmth Copy Share Image
“Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hold yourself together.” — Jarod Kintz Embracing Copy Share Image
“Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.” — Jarod Kintz Stalking Copy Share Image
“Don’t be surprised if I try to stab you with a club sandwich sword. I will defend your right to free speech… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she… — Jarod Kintz Offended Copy Share Image
“Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money.… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem… — Jarod Kintz Problem Didn Copy Share Image
“I won't discuss non-discussable things with her, like the sound of silence or the vertical dimensions of an awkward moment. Those sorts… — Jarod Kintz Awkward moment Copy Share Image
“I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing,… — Jarod Kintz Millionaire Copy Share Image
“The reason we talk with the same part of the body we eat with is because if we tried to eat with… — Jarod Kintz Tongues Copy Share Image
“If I owned the Grand Canyon, it would be my largest antique.” — Jarod Kintz Antique Copy Share Image
“You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to beat me to my rooster costume.” — Jarod Kintz Early morning Copy Share Image
“I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.” — Jarod Kintz Argument Copy Share Image
“I never stopped loving you. I never did. I never loved you, not: I never did stop loving you.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?” — Jarod Kintz Left Copy Share Image
“She had an ass behind her that went on for days. In fact, I’m still talking about her.” — Jarod Kintz Days Copy Share Image
“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“Weeping willows always remind me of summer. And sadness. Please stop crying sweet tree.” — Jarod Kintz Stop crying Copy Share Image
“There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Just Copy Share Image
“After learning the foreign language Gibberish, I became a dream spokesman.” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“It’s not that I don’t have the drive to succeed, but rather I don’t have the gas.” — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“I want to blanket the city of Hamburg with a slice of melted cheese.” — Jarod Kintz Hamburg Copy Share Image
“Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.” — Jarod Kintz Feet Copy Share Image
“I wish my erection pointed inwards. But it doesn’t, it points directly at you.” — Jarod Kintz Penis Copy Share Image
