“I should make a tongue condom shaped like an oven mitt, so my mouth’s spoken language muscle is protected from hot coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But there can’t be two… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.” — Jarod Kintz Energy drink Copy Share Image
“When I talk about love, people listen. And when I listen about love, people talk.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My zip code is my salary. Too bad I live in 32256 and not 90210. Also, I lied—but only because the zip code… — Jarod Kintz Programming Copy Share Image
“Loyalty is for the dogs. Count me among the cats. And count me twice—once for each of my faces.” — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only… — Jarod Kintz Old people Copy Share Image
“I don’t make love. But I do have it made in China. It’s just more cost effective.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I only ate popsicles, I wonder if I’d rather freeze or starve to death. Freezing or starving, they’re like either option… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A blanket could represent change, and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket, or the brick? ” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“The quickest way to alter an altar is not with a hammer, or even religious deconstruction, but with a typo.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that… — Jarod Kintz Hard way Copy Share Image
“I respect a man not for the clothes he wears, but for the clothes he doesn’t wear. Yes, nudity is an admirable… — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“She wants the kids, the cars, the house, and the white picket fence. I said sure, I can give you a fence.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have cried so hard, because with all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Right now Copy Share Image
“If zombies eat brains, then they’d love me, because who doesn’t like a buffet?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Pants don’t walk without legs in them. Let that be a lesson in love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My favorite salad dressing is vodka. And my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee, though I prefer it melted and hot enough… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor. ” — Jarod Kintz Red light Copy Share Image
