“The Whisper Factory is now hiring! Report your grandma for suspicious behavior and get PAID!” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“A half-truth is 90% of the story. The other 10% is tithed to God.” — Jarod Kintz Half Copy Share Image
“She yawned so loudly that I wanted to use her mouth as a putt putt golf hole.” — Jarod Kintz Yawned Copy Share Image
“To find my mistakes, you’re going to need a shovel—and a missing person’s list.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“My girlfriend has two aliases. Clones aside, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt like I was cheating on one person with… — Jarod Kintz Cheating Copy Share Image
“The proper response to “I love you” is never “what, when, where, why, and how,” no matter how sincerely you say it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I… — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“On Halloween I like to scare up business the old fashioned way: with flyers, business cards, and electroshock therapy while wearing spooky… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the… — Jarod Kintz Siamese Cat Copy Share Image
“I have a recognition dance, to acknowledge that I heard and understood you. So when Savannah says she loves me, and I… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“I wouldn't mind showering in the rain, if there weren't so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?” — Jarod Kintz Congress Copy Share Image
“My penis, when inflated, does not qualify as a flotation device, no matter how much it tastes like the navy.” — Jarod Kintz Inflated Copy Share Image
“The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren't for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that… — Jarod Kintz Bad news Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re on a date, and I’m being all seductive by talking nonstop about such interesting topics… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Newt gingrich Copy Share Image
“When I go to a restaurant and they say, “How many in your party?” and I say, “One,” I feel sad because… — Jarod Kintz Feel Sad Copy Share Image
“A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’m 30, and his daughter is 18. He said I was too old for her. So I asked him if I was… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“A boring machine, would it drill holes—or put you to sleep? The two-party political system, that’s a boring machine, though voters are… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!” — Jarod Kintz Body love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.” — Jarod Kintz Ignore Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death. ” — Jarod Kintz Away Copy Share Image
“I’m not Hispanic, I’m His panic. Who is He? He is the startled.” — Jarod Kintz Anxiety Copy Share Image
“I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Chicken Copy Share Image
“This presidential election will be as electric as an eel—and just as snakelike.” — Jarod Kintz Election Copy Share Image
“On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.” — Jarod Kintz Alcoholic Copy Share Image
“I have an iron deficiency. You can tell by how wrinkled my clothes are.” — Jarod Kintz Productivity Copy Share Image
“I am willing to barter my nudity for your love. That way the IRS can’t tax our transaction.” — Jarod Kintz Barter Copy Share Image
“I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.” — Jarod Kintz Bachelor Copy Share Image
“I would be an organ donor, but I’d much rather donate a piano.” — Jarod Kintz Donor Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
