“It’s not that I don’t have the drive to succeed, but rather I don’t have the gas.” — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“I want to blanket the city of Hamburg with a slice of melted cheese.” — Jarod Kintz Hamburg Copy Share Image
“Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.” — Jarod Kintz Feet Copy Share Image
“I wish my erection pointed inwards. But it doesn’t, it points directly at you.” — Jarod Kintz Penis Copy Share Image
“Don’t be surprised if I try to stab you with a club sandwich sword. I will defend your right to free speech… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she… — Jarod Kintz Offended Copy Share Image
“Excuse me, madam, but may I rub my erection up against your buttocks, because I mistakenly took Viagra thinking it was Vitamin… — Jarod Kintz Viagra Copy Share Image
“I have a pet frog. He sleeps in a king-sized bed, just in case he happens to be an undercover prince.” — Jarod Kintz Frog Copy Share Image
“Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say,… — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only… — Jarod Kintz Butter Copy Share Image
“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf… — Jarod Kintz Clover Copy Share Image
“I won't discuss non-discussable things with her, like the sound of silence or the vertical dimensions of an awkward moment. Those sorts… — Jarod Kintz Awkward moment Copy Share Image
“I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing,… — Jarod Kintz Millionaire Copy Share Image
“The reason we talk with the same part of the body we eat with is because if we tried to eat with… — Jarod Kintz Tongues Copy Share Image
“In the 48 hours following my discovery of her infidelity, I found out she’d been with three other guys—two of them being… — Jarod Kintz Conjoined twins Copy Share Image
“I won an Oscar. I Won it in a raffle. It’s a replica, but I still gave a teary-eyed acceptance speech. I… — Jarod Kintz Acceptance speech Copy Share Image
“Love can make people do crazy things. I once saw a man streak down Blanding Blvd. with only a banana peel stapled… — Jarod Kintz Crazy Copy Share Image
“What you wear is more important than what you say, and if your shirt’s not pressed, impressions are instantly formed about you.… — Jarod Kintz Nudists Copy Share Image
“I want to write a universal truism that won’t be blurred by body language, cultural confusion, or translation mishaps, so I want… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.” — Jarod Kintz Invisible Copy Share Image
“I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.” — Jarod Kintz Sounds Like Copy Share Image
“Her name is Angela, though she’s no angel. Dad, I can’t believe she replenishes us.” — Jarod Kintz Angel Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.” — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I am the love machine of desire. I’m easy to operate. Just pull on my lever.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.” — Jarod Kintz Smartest Copy Share Image
“-My son was 32 when he died. -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“When all the trees are dead, I’ll be there, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.” — Jarod Kintz Juice Copy Share Image
“I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“I want to make slow, passionate rush hour to a pack of masturbation.” — Jarod Kintz Passionate Copy Share Image
“You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to read the body language that people’s homes present.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“A brick is to a blanket, as the moon is to Sun Tzu. Fear my fearlessness! ” — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
