“Taxidermy and taxes go together like peanut butter and sodomy. Can somebody get me two slices of bread?” — Jarod Kintz Peanut butter Copy Share Image
“Love, like lightning, can strike anytime. That’s why I say tinfoil is not just for leftovers—it’s for channeling romance into your life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me while I’m making it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t… — Jarod Kintz First time Copy Share Image
“I am excited to report that I may have gotten a job as an elevator attendant. It's a three-flight elevator, and my… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired… — Jarod Kintz Green eyes Copy Share Image
“I have a favorite cemetery I go to, because it’s really clean and the doctors and nurses are all very nice.” — Jarod Kintz Doctors and nurses Copy Share Image
“When you pay for security, it seems like you’re paying for nothing—and that’s the point. You’re paying so nothing happens. Safety is… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“The three of us met to discuss dinner over sandwiches, and I decided I liked them. The sandwiches, not the people. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about love is it’ll still be around long after I’m dead. That’s also the worst part.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all… — Jarod Kintz Poor Person Copy Share Image
“The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t want to work in a nursery, because I can’t deal with children. Or bees. Can I offer you some tea,… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I’ll leave the rest to you. Then, once you’re finished with the last part, I’ll leave you to rest.” — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“The last time I went speed dating, I brought a radar gun. I got clocked at over 70 miles per hour.” — Jarod Kintz Last time Copy Share Image
“When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thor again tutored me in the seventh grade, when I was learning Algebra. Algebra was quite an experience for me. Thor spent… — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
