“I’m a nail biter. Not when I’m nervous, but when I misplace my hammer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll piss in a cup for you. You can run a drug test on it, or you can drink it.” — Jarod Kintz Piss Copy Share Image
“I held her, but that wasn’t enough to hold us together. That’s where the glue came in.” — Jarod Kintz Glue Copy Share Image
“A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.” — Jarod Kintz Ryan Gosling Copy Share Image
“Green bananas are a go, and yellow bananas are a caution: these are too mushy to consume.” — Jarod Kintz Bananas Yellow Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred. ” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offering meatloaf.” — Jarod Kintz Leftovers Copy Share Image
“Whenever I schedule an appointment, my general rule of thumb is, tomorrow is better than yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Better Than Yesterday Copy Share Image
“We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been… — Jarod Kintz Meet Copy Share Image
“I’m willing to die for my beliefs, but over the course of a lifetime and not all at once right now.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used for job security, like an employment paperweight. Hey, in this economic depression, I’ll take anything I can… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber than everybody. ” — Jarod Kintz Dumber Copy Share Image
“The moon looked like melted mozzarella to my bleary and blurry vision. Was I tired, intoxicated, or in love? Or was I… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket are going to help me conquer the world. Just give me an army at my disposal, and… — Jarod Kintz Conquer the world Copy Share Image
“It’s very hard to whisper in your own ear. Love is an art, but as an artist, I guess I’m no Van… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose… — Jarod Kintz Nose Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. If only your spouse is invited under your blanket, then each party feels… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“Herman is not her man. But neither am I, and I love her more than any man besides Herman. But she doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There is no other furniture in the room. However, in the center of the room, the floor steps down and a four-foot… — Jarod Kintz Globe Copy Share Image
“Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If… — Jarod Kintz Brick Wrapped Copy Share Image
“I just made some yawn pudding. Can I feed you some before bed?” — Jarod Kintz Pudding Copy Share Image
“If taxis were patriotic symbols, I’d flag one down on the Fourth of July.” — Jarod Kintz Patriotic Copy Share Image
“Disregard my order to disregard my order. And that’s an order.” — Jarod Kintz Disregard Copy Share Image
“I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.” — Jarod Kintz Years Old Copy Share Image
“If you don’t cover your mouth, a yawn is an invitation for a blowjob.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Are you happy to be standing here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over six inches.” — Jarod Kintz Happy Copy Share Image
“Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“The only French I know is a kiss. I studied a lot of that foreign tongue in high school.” — Jarod Kintz French Copy Share Image
