“I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!” — Jarod Kintz Labor Copy Share Image
“If you’re at the bar trying to pick up women, remember: bend at the knees.” — Jarod Kintz Bend Copy Share Image
“A zebra has stripes, the American flag has stripes, and I have an erection. Coincidence?” — Jarod Kintz American flag Copy Share Image
“Her legs are so long and sexy that I can see them 26.2 miles away. Gatorade. ” — Jarod Kintz Long Sexy Copy Share Image
“The reason I make things so complicated is simple: Because I like being the uncimplicator.” — Jarod Kintz Complicated Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war. ” — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“My future, it almost looks like Christmas—red and green—stop and go.” — Jarod Kintz Christmas Copy Share Image
“People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen… — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Just by looking at a picture, I can tell a lot about a person. Right off the bat, I can tell if… — Jarod Kintz Batman Copy Share Image
“I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She was very close to my heart. Even though we were separated by a distance of 400 years, I was lying on… — Jarod Kintz Close to my heart Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as 1,2, and 4. But not 3. No, 3 is too holy for a brick. 3 is… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“I work in a hotel. I know what you’re probably thinking, and no, I am not a hooker. Not unless you’re not… — Jarod Kintz Hotel Copy Share Image
“Politics is scripted for maximum shock that will lead to gossip and speculation. We are living in a sketch comedy zone. Everything… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“I made you a logo. It’s supposed to represent you as a person, and that’s why it looks like an asshole. I… — Jarod Kintz Asshole Copy Share Image
“If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“The rumor is that my cousin dates phoenix sculptures made out of cheese. It has to be true, because it's too weird… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“You can’t write with dry ink. Likewise, using another author’s dried words to make your writing more fluid is not only dishonest,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I would give you my grandma’s slow-knitted Duck Soup dance-routine recipe, but my grandpa sold it to Roger Bannister for three minutes… — Jarod Kintz Duck Copy Share Image
“You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has… — Jarod Kintz Hard way Copy Share Image
“She called and said she had to cancel tomorrow. “Cancel tomorrow!” I shrieked. “Does that make today the last day, or at… — Jarod Kintz Last day Copy Share Image
