“Pants don’t walk without legs in them. Let that be a lesson in love.” — Jarod Kintz Legs Copy Share Image
“So you made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Let me beat you up instead.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Insects have the most sex. Trust me, I peep on them through my microscope.” — Jarod Kintz Insects Copy Share Image
“I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.” — Jarod Kintz Jealous Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.” — Jarod Kintz Biology Copy Share Image
“It’s not true that selling stolen goods has no overhead. Prison’s got a ceiling.” — Jarod Kintz Prison Copy Share Image
“Most people like winners, but I prefer underdogs. They’re more fun to pet.” — Jarod Kintz Underdogs Copy Share Image
The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a… — Jarod Kintz Good morning Copy Share Image
“I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“The fields of science are full of crop circles that can't yet be explained by scientific means.” — Jarod Kintz Fields Copy Share Image
“If your toaster isn’t working, stick your sword in the bread slot, and see if that doesn’t improve its behavior.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A tie is a win for more than one person. But a tie is also a loss equally shared by two or… — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“If somebody’s a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say something kind and walk away.” — Jarod Kintz Jerk Copy Share Image
“It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said… — Jarod Kintz Vodka Copy Share Image
“If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That’s not slavery.… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained… — Jarod Kintz Chained Copy Share Image
“If someone asks you what the most popular form of transportation is, before you jump to car, you might want to ask… — Jarod Kintz Taxi Copy Share Image
“I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At… — Jarod Kintz New job Copy Share Image
“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“It’s like my grandpa always used to say, ‘A butter knife would make a deadlier weapon than a melting stick of butter.’”… — Jarod Kintz Ball player Copy Share Image
“God, the devil, and Orafoura were walking along a river one day when they came across three naked women splashing in the… — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“Dear Miss Hummingbird, The leaves are turning green now, but not with envy. But they should be envious, because I, Jarod Ora… — Jarod Kintz Doing Copy Share Image
“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and… — Jarod Kintz Drinking water Copy Share Image
“In the interview I was told that I’d be replacing Robert, who was a robot. The company thought they could save some… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good… — Jarod Kintz 48 hours Copy Share Image
