“A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like presidential elections. I don’t like them, but they still keep coming around every four years.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“People complain the president does nothing. I say stop complaining! Think how destructive he’d be if he actually tried to do something.” — Jarod Kintz Stop complaining Copy Share Image
“Love reminds me of when I was six and had a pet goldfish named “Silverbird” that I carried around the house, petting… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If you can hear me, brush your teeth as a sign and signal. This will let me know you know, and it’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were a sunscreen salesperson, and you approached me and said, “Would you like to buy… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals—including politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“I met a girl I wanted to date, but she was spoken for—by her mouth. That’s the kind of relationship I could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy hat Copy Share Image
“I’ll beat you with a ladder, so in my defense I can say, “I didn’t hit him! Look at those bruises. They… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, I used to use and apple instead of a baseball. It was just more fun to hit, and a healthier… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, "Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It's… — Jarod Kintz Gift from god Copy Share Image
“I have a secret handshake, like the Masons. Except mine is like a true secret in that nobody else knows about it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a Chinese girlfriend once who asked me how much she meant to me. I knew very little Chinese, so I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not enough to be the best. You also have to be seen by the most. A masterpiece painting hanging in the… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“The last time I saw love was in my imagination while reading a book on Thomas Jefferson. Isn’t the Constitution of the… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Giving up giving up—it’s good for your health. Make love like you just stole it. And remember, always wash your hands after… — Jarod Kintz Health Copy Share Image
“If I asked people how many people there are in the world, I’ll bet more than half would reply, “More than half.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
