“I would rather build a relationship than a wall. Can you pass me another brick?” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“Don’t bother calling the cops, because nobody can find me here. I know, because after all these years, I’m still trying to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life has been going downhill ever since I stopped pedaling on my bicycle. But I suppose that’s a good thing.” — Jarod Kintz Good thing Copy Share Image
“Television isn’t a substitute for a babysitter, but the microwave is. Mmmm cooked babies!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I live 20 miles away from 30 miles per hour. Horses get great gas mileage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a shower the size of the Sydney Opera House, because you know damn well I sing in the shower. And… — Jarod Kintz Opera house Copy Share Image
“The owner of The Mandrake Hotel and Resort is a man called Rot, a billionaire like Bill Gates, only nerdier. Rot Kugelschreiber… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A magician who could make the audience’s problems disappear—now that’s someone I’d pay to throw tomatoes at. If I didn’t have any… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hit a car, but it wasn’t my fault. The bicyclist who rear ended me is to blame.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as an AFD, or Atmospheric Floating Device, whose sole function is to make people ask WTF? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wonder what city Grover Cleveland is from. Probably Cincinnati.” — Jarod Kintz Grover Cleveland Copy Share Image
“I meander and wander, like a lazy river. Gosh, why are some rivers so damn lazy? What, are they teenagers?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“When I can’t write I read. When I can’t read I sleep. And when I can’t sleep I write.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“If love had an exact location, it would be the spot where silence meets noise. Love balances the calm and the chaotic… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“Hugh Hue is colorblind. Or maybe he isn’t, and that’s not his name at all. Maybe his name is Mr. Green, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don’t get it down on paper it decomposes in my head. This… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
