“If I had the word “war” in my last name, like “Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.” — Jarod Kintz Peace Copy Share Image
“I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals—including politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.” — Jarod Kintz Drink Copy Share Image
“She told me she loved me. Most men wouldn’t know how to respond, but I did. What else could I say but,… — Jarod Kintz Grandma Copy Share Image
“How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of… — Jarod Kintz Mirror Copy Share Image
“My printer printed off blank pages. Is my printer out of ink, or do I just have nothing to say?” — Jarod Kintz Blank page Copy Share Image
“I like people watching. My favorite places are cemeteries. Tell your great grandpa I said hi next time you see him.” — Jarod Kintz Grandpa Copy Share Image
“His voice is like 999 one-winged vultures, all flapping in unison, while 333 horned frogs croak in protest. My love must sound… — Jarod Kintz Vultures Flapping Copy Share Image
“33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.” — Jarod Kintz Giving birth Copy Share Image
“If a woman says she got a bad haircut, and I agree with her, am I being agreeable, or an asshole?” — Jarod Kintz Agreeable Copy Share Image
“I don’t like sleeping, but I do like watching the inside of my eyelids. That’s how I drive, and that’s how I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Herman is not her man. But neither am I, and I love her more than any man besides Herman. But she doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There is no other furniture in the room. However, in the center of the room, the floor steps down and a four-foot… — Jarod Kintz Globe Copy Share Image
“Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If… — Jarod Kintz Brick Wrapped Copy Share Image
“I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Then I quickly snatched it out, because hell, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Architecture Copy Share Image
“It reminds me of something Zelda told her friend about me when she didn’t think I was listening: “I wish he had… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans… — Jarod Kintz American people Copy Share Image
“Fredrick gazed into the deep blue eyes of Jackson for a few seconds before answering. “I’d like the best room in the… — Jarod Kintz Room Copy Share Image
“But they soon found out that Robert just wasn’t personable, which isn’t surprising since Robert isn’t a person. While Robert was always… — Jarod Kintz Red light Copy Share Image
“A Cyclops on a unicycle juggling three giant eyeballs couldn’t compare to the balanced vision my writing presents. In fact, noted linguist… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Cap’n is the cuddliest cat this side of the rabbit hole. He’s like a furry lump of clay, because no matter what… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I don’t know why she broke up with me. I was always there when she needed me. Well, aside for about 3/4ths… — Jarod Kintz Good thing Copy Share Image
“I could only read the word because of the discoloration on the wall from the accumulation of grime over time around the… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“The neon orange orb sat low in the sky, slowly breaking free of the horizon like the waking memory of a dream.… — Jarod Kintz Bubble bath Copy Share Image
“The owner of The Mandrake Hotel and Resort is a man called Rot, a billionaire like Bill Gates, only nerdier. Rot Kugelschreiber… — Jarod Kintz Owner Mandrake Copy Share Image
