“A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“I’d rather have a high EQ than a high IQ. After all, what is more important than love?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.” — Jarod Kintz Drink water Copy Share Image
“I get Gulliver’s Travels and Thousand Island dressing mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Gulliver Copy Share Image
“Please, come in. Let me open the air conditioning vent so you can squeeze through.” — Jarod Kintz Air conditioning Copy Share Image
“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.” — Jarod Kintz Blocked Copy Share Image
“Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.” — Jarod Kintz Agree Copy Share Image
“If you don’t speak Greek, how do you know if it’s all Greek to you?” — Jarod Kintz Greek Copy Share Image
“The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there… — Jarod Kintz Finish Copy Share Image
“If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used as words in the saying of a mason. When words and actions match up, you have a structure… — Jarod Kintz Bricks Copy Share Image
“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.” — Jarod Kintz Autograph Copy Share Image
“I eat spaghetti with my fingers, because it reminds me of me running my fingers through her wet red hair. Ah, but… — Jarod Kintz Fingers Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way… — Jarod Kintz Stalin Copy Share Image
“Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while… — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.” — Jarod Kintz Hearing Copy Share Image
“I’m very careful with political statements. When I bash the Republicans, I know I’ll piss off about half the people. That’s why… — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“I made you a logo. It’s supposed to represent you as a person, and that’s why it looks like an asshole. I… — Jarod Kintz Asshole Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you… — Jarod Kintz Blanket Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a… — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has… — Jarod Kintz Hard way Copy Share Image
“It’s like Mark Twain once said to his wife, Olivia: “How many times do I have to say it—over the top!” He… — Jarod Kintz Dramatic Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like… — Jarod Kintz French revolution Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell him this isn’t just a job to me, it’s a career, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I’ll surely never take for… — Jarod Kintz Just Job Copy Share Image
“Coaching is the only thing where the more someone else practices, the better you get. That’s my kind of hard work. People… — Jarod Kintz Coach Copy Share Image
“The Chair I’m writing to you, who made the archaic wooden chair look like a throne while you sat on it. Amidst… — Jarod Kintz Holy water Copy Share Image
“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call… — Jarod Kintz Black and white Copy Share Image
