“It’s easy to see what to do once it’s already been done. The difficult time is before it’s to be done, and… — Jarod Kintz Difficult time Copy Share Image
“The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your… — Jarod Kintz Body weight Copy Share Image
“If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the… — Jarod Kintz Global warming Copy Share Image
“I can see why they say golf is an expensive sport to play. If you have to drop a nickel on the… — Jarod Kintz Golf Copy Share Image
“If I say “No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to remain undecided.” — Jarod Kintz Decision making Copy Share Image
“I must be pregnant, because I’m craving some strange food. Right now I feel like eating organic, grass-fed cow cud, covered with… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s… — Jarod Kintz Red and white Copy Share Image
“I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t have time to grow out a mustache, so I wore a squirrel to the party. Women looked at me like… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit. ” — Jarod Kintz Music Copy Share Image
“Some words are invisible—namely spoken words—but that only means I read them with my ears. But people are rude, and they often… — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I’ve felt alone, cold, and clothed in shame for too long. Let the sunlight be my blanket, wardrobe, and toilet paper.” — Jarod Kintz Toilet paper Copy Share Image
“A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is… — Jarod Kintz Desire Copy Share Image
“I run through all the positive character qualities in my mind, and assign myself a number from 1-10 on where I think… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“My ex was the shape of a planet, and when she wore a belt, that planet was Saturn.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold and old. I do this… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Keep your eyes open, especially if you’re wearing a blindfold while driving. Closing your eyes in that situation could be dangerous.” — Jarod Kintz Closing your eyes Copy Share Image
“I visited my old haunt, but somehow without all my old friends there with me, the cemetery just wasn’t the same.” — Jarod Kintz Old friends Copy Share Image
