“I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from… — Jarod Kintz Bungee jumping Copy Share Image
“I’m the best me I can be. I didn’t achieve this through hard work, but by murdering my over performing clones. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One javelin through five people is like a murder kabob. Saves bullets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His face is so chiseled and angular that if he stood on the street corner and blushed, oncoming traffic would come to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I listen to AM radio in the AM, and AM radio for an AM audience in my PM (though it comes from… — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give me 10 pins and a hardwood lane, and I’ll bowl. Just as long as that bowl is full of spaghetti. I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person this company would be interested in?” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I sometimes lie awake at night wishing I had all the answers. But I guess only God has all of them, while… — Jarod Kintz Awake at night Copy Share Image
“Pizza as a reward at work, gotta love it. Personally, I'd rather have that than a raise. Give me a pizza, boss,… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“I'm growing as a person. I'm self-farming. That's the highest form of farming, even greater than being a duck farmer, which, as… — Jarod Kintz Duck Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to support a wobbly table. Who got that table drunk, anyway? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.” — Jarod Kintz Willing to die Copy Share Image
“A real criminal mastermind isn’t known as a criminal mastermind, because how good can you be if you’re a known criminal? No,… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Of course, if I had misbehaved that day, my dinner was a salad made entirely out of iceberg lettuce, with water on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I heard you calling out to me, but I almost didn’t reply because you were using another guy’s name.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Competitively, I’m looking for the edge. I need to shave off inefficiencies and get rid of this Beard of Mediocrity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
