“Here is my naked body. Take a long look at what nobody else can look at. And hurry up, before all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I knew it, but I knew you didn’t know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“No matter what I see, I always think, “They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“People remember a smile more readily than a name. That’s why for branding purposes, I created my logo so that it features… — Jarod Kintz Real life Copy Share Image
“I had to be at work at 8 am this morning, so I set my alarm clock for 7:49. Naturally, my body… — Jarod Kintz Alarm clock Copy Share Image
“At first, the drudgery of mastering your craft is a prison—boring, slow, and with an awareness of how much time you’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“I want to name one of my kids “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger.” That way, when I show up at McDonald's with my kids and the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” The elephant replies, “Sex on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were sitting in a dentist’s chair, and I was cleaning your teeth. You wondered if… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“And if I’d been a good boy that day, I’d get to eat Chlorella for dessert. Chlorella is condensed algae from Japan… — Jarod Kintz Hard candy Copy Share Image
“A blanket could keep a family of three warm for a lifetime, but global warming could do the same for the world… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I remember the good old days. You must remember the good old days, because they were the days with the long white… — Jarod Kintz Good old days Copy Share Image
“When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid,… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out… — Jarod Kintz Coffee shop Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make yourself taller. It’s like self-esteem, only easier to use in the construction of a house. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good things come to those who ate. And I’m stuffed. Like a teddy bear. That might be why I’m the World Cuddling… — Jarod Kintz Good thing Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick. ” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends… — Jarod Kintz Mom Copy Share Image
“I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to write a screenplay about my grandpa, and I’d like my future grandson to play the part. Talk about a… — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“The two spoons were stuck together. Not because they were sticky, but because they were stubborn and clingy and “in love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about… — Jarod Kintz Thank god Copy Share Image
“What makes you think of me? Don’t say nothing. The answer is I make you think of me. And I’ll make you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many midget feet can you fit in your shoes? Depends on how big your penis is. Mine is 17 syllables long,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I should make a tongue condom shaped like an oven mitt, so my mouth’s spoken language muscle is protected from hot coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.” — Jarod Kintz Giving birth Copy Share Image
“Orafoura was yelling at his dog (not a German shepherd) in German, and I thought, “I didn’t realize dogs can speak German.” — Jarod Kintz German Shepherd Copy Share Image
“Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares?… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
