“I don't think any man could solve the world's problems overnight, myself included. You'd better give me at least two days.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After a shower, I like to let gravity and evaporation dry me off as I stretch out naked in the sun on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in… — Jarod Kintz Birth Copy Share Image
“I have an electric blanket, but I think it’s criminal to use it any time other than when I’m sitting in my… — Jarod Kintz Electric chair Copy Share Image
“Last February had 29 days. It wasn’t a leap year, but me and 28 of my clones each remember that month as… — Jarod Kintz Leap year Copy Share Image
“The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)” — Jarod Kintz Fair share Copy Share Image
“I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for… — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“The equator is a sign of equality, splitting the earth into two equal halves. Unfortunately, the equator also splits the earth into… — Jarod Kintz East and west Copy Share Image
“Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“It was one-way glass, and I was on the inside and she was on the outside. She was looking at me with… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were playing football (soccer), and I just needed to score one goal to win. Of… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy hat Copy Share Image
“I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can't eat thank, so I know my stomach… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“Of all the things God created, from sunrises and rainbows, to black holes and humor, cats are the most fascinating to me. ” — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at the dinner table? I’m training for Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner table Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If the man of your dreams existed in two dimensions only, would you try to print duplicates of… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could tell I loved her from the moment I saw her, right after she opened the trunk, untied me, and took… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“With sex, I’d recommend practicing a lot. But remember, have fun with it. After all, you do want to get your money’s… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a… — Jarod Kintz Growing A Garden Copy Share Image
“If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“I decided not to charge you with murder, because that would require me filling out lots of paperwork. So you’re free to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The shape of her smile is curved like a lie, like a boomerang she knows she has to catch quickly when it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.” — Jarod Kintz Water Copy Share Image
“I’ll never rest on my laurels. If I’ve got more than one Laurel in my bed, rest is not how I plan… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal… — Jarod Kintz Animal shelter Copy Share Image
“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Orafoura once asked me how I became who I've become, and I replied, "I was born to become. And I became because… — Jarod Kintz Birth Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my… — Jarod Kintz Helen Keller Copy Share Image
“Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of… — Jarod Kintz Insider trading Copy Share Image
