“On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men. ” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for treasure that I can exchange for sexual favors.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Be proud of your work week, not your weak work. Monday-Friday you can find me working out. I have the body of… — Jarod Kintz Work Copy Share Image
“When I’m cold and I fart, I always admonish myself saying, “Stop! Close the back door. You’re letting all the cold air… — Jarod Kintz Cold air Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about… — Jarod Kintz Peace Copy Share Image
“My lawyer’s name is Mr. Dentist. I have him on retainer. The police may think I’m crooked, but my teeth sure are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a… — Jarod Kintz Reflection In The Mirror Copy Share Image
“A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“In middle school I used to draw letters of the alphabet out of contorted torsos, bodies, arms, legs. A rigid torso with… — Jarod Kintz Middle school Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were playing table tennis, which angered my family because they were trying to enjoy their… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold… — Jarod Kintz Cell phone Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino… — Jarod Kintz Success Copy Share Image
“I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s always going to be a criminal element in the population. At least as long as people believe they need politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been… — Jarod Kintz Belly button Copy Share Image
“My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid… — Jarod Kintz Band aid Copy Share Image
“My photograph represents me as a person, but not as a personality. My personality is best represented by a Rorschach test.” — Jarod Kintz Photography Copy Share Image
“After I speak, my words merge with the wind, and if you’re listening, your ears act like sails and carry the conversation.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t make my doctor’s appointment because I was tied up. I’ll tell you, being kidnapped can be a real inconvenience.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina. ” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t fly with one wing. But I can’t go hungry either, and I already ate both the legs, the breasts, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“If I could adorn myself with a question, I’d wear a where. It would never go out of style, because location is… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I’m a four-time Pulitzer Prize winning admirer. I’m also a 16-time Olympic medalist observer (I saw Michael Phelps on TV).” — Jarod Kintz Michael Phelps Copy Share Image
“My gas tank is empty, and my stomach is empty, but my heart if full—of love. However, per gallon, I think I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My motto is: If I didn’t do it first, I want to do it better. Boy, I sure hope none of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.” — Jarod Kintz Manual labor Copy Share Image
“I wish I could climb the corporate ladder like I could climb a tree, but I can’t, because I’m afraid of heights.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before… — Jarod Kintz Right now Copy Share Image
“I’m hoping my routine will break me out of my rut. If I keep spinning my wheels, I’m bound to become a… — Jarod Kintz Habits Copy Share Image
“The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I just broke into her car… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
