“She told me she loved me. Most men wouldn’t know how to respond, but I did. What else could I say but,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always feel elfish around noonish, and selfish around 12:01. The best time to be in love is between those two points.” — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“If I owned a dry cleaners, I’d open at 9 and clothes at 5. Ugh. That pun was spot on. I’ll try… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had the texture of a turtle, and the taste of a rabbit, would you say we’re moving too fast in… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I pretend I'm from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future's like,… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“There’s fool’s gold—pyrite—and then there’s fool’s gold—gold owned by idiots willing to trade it for worthless dollars. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a problem meeting people because if I know what to say, I don’t know when to say it, and if… — Jarod Kintz Meeting people Copy Share Image
“Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re on a date, and I’m being all seductive by talking nonstop about such interesting topics… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I fear one day I’ll get a knock at my front door, and I’ll answer it to find myself standing there. Then… — Jarod Kintz Front door Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as the perfect response in one particular situation. Next time someone says, “I love you,” say nothing.… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving… — Jarod Kintz Good food Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m thirsting for fame. I’m so fucking thirsty. Somebody bring me a tall glass of saltwater with a side order of desert.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t get offended when you talk about the Japanese. Not because I’m not one, but because I’m not 120 million of… — Jarod Kintz Japanese Copy Share Image
“Helping others without anticipating or expecting others to help you in return, that is the path to spiritual prosperity.” — Jarod Kintz Helping others Copy Share Image
“Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn’t enjoy the second.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I called, but the phones were all tied up. And so were the operators who normally answer them. Some were even gagged… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Where it was last, is the first place I’ll look, not the last place. Oh, if only love were that logical and… — Jarod Kintz First place Copy Share Image
“He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Williquosi, I didn’t mean to stab you in your gums with your fork. I was merely trying to spoon-feed you information.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to assess all the asses on the beach. By hand. I should try to get a sponsorship from an oven… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right… — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my… — Jarod Kintz American pie Copy Share Image
“A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue. ” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Dark Jar Tin Zoo’s face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” only less colorful.” — Jarod Kintz Edvard Munch Copy Share Image
“In high school, I was on the carpentry team, but I got benched. It was awkward sitting on it while my teammates… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I’ve got a flesh-colored tattoo. I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.” — Jarod Kintz Ocean Copy Share Image
“Not only will my kids be out to replace me, but so will all my clones. Makes me feel so disposable, like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn’t entirely… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
