“A blanket could be used to help frowners smile. I’m only halfway through the process myself, which is why I’m smirking. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just don’t stand around and say, “Just don’t stand around.” That’s my job, and there can’t be two people circle working.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Going to bed at sunrise, I find a blindfold helps me sleep. Also, I like it when my kidnappers put pillows in… — Jarod Kintz Good morning Copy Share Image
“I dove in feet first. I like to dive in feet before I dive in hands, because I don’t like feeling like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hemingway suggested you write the truest sentence you know. I say write the falsest one you don’t know. This is fiction.” — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“There are days when I just want to throw in the towel. Those are the difficult days, the days where I take… — Jarod Kintz Difficult days Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“The question is not how much work are you willing to put in, but what are you willing to take out? Success… — Jarod Kintz Sacrifice Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically.… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you become an Olympic swimmer. Tie the brick around your legs and have a friend… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous,… — Jarod Kintz Better job Copy Share Image
“There is no other furniture in the room. However, in the center of the room, the floor steps down and a four-foot… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Factor in the fact that factories should only hire people they make themselves, I believe, and you can see why I want… — Jarod Kintz Sands of time Copy Share Image
“He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The closer I get, the faster I have to go. Otherwise, I might be late to the very place where I’m not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I got a new heart with a heart transplant, I’d be forever grateful. Or at least grateful for the next 50… — Jarod Kintz Forever grateful Copy Share Image
“Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“Of all the things I own, I’m most sentimental about my shoes, because they’ve traveled with me every step of my journey.” — Jarod Kintz Every step Copy Share Image
“I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“The last three inches of my penis shaft are perfect. Of course, the last three and the first three are one and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me… — Jarod Kintz Grilled cheese Copy Share Image
“I carry your love like a backpack. I only wish your love had a larger cargo capacity, and had zippers instead of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A speeding fine lets me know it’s OK to break the law, just so long as I’m willing pay money for the… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t make a free throw if the basket were as big as the Grand Canyon. But I’d love to ride a… — Jarod Kintz Free throw Copy Share Image
“Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to take a sponge bath, but first I need to take that sponge and wash the dishes so I can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. Cons—are former pros that made a mistake.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one… — Jarod Kintz Poetry Copy Share Image
“I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can’t become a famous garage band if you never perform outside your garage. That’s why my band plays in my driveway.” — Jarod Kintz Music making Copy Share Image
“An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the… — Jarod Kintz Memory Copy Share Image
“I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The doors magically opened without the assistance of modern electronic devices. Instead, they cleverly employed doormen.” — Jarod Kintz Electronic devices Copy Share Image
“My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, and I didn’t have my clerical costume on.” — Jarod Kintz Sisters Copy Share Image
“My book is a light read. Seriously, it probably weighs 3.33 ounces. That’s pretty impressive, considering it’s an ebook.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
