“I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My initials are J.O.K., and then there is a silent "E" on the end. And not only is it silent, but it's… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.” — Jarod Kintz Washington dc Copy Share Image
“He won’t be as funny as a mountain—he’ll be hill-arious. He is my clone, and I hope he kills me for this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not a king, but you can call me His Royal Hoorayness. If you did that, I’d be excited enough to deserve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French… — Jarod Kintz French fries Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a puzzle. See if you can correctly add up the number of sides. If you keep… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“She’s beautiful, but she’s also got brains. I’ll bet zombies would love to eat out of her skull like a bowl of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I decided to write this piece because my internal critic told me to write it. At least I think he told me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just… — Jarod Kintz Bank robbery Copy Share Image
“If I look like I haven’t slept for eight hours, it’s because I haven’t. Oh, I wasn’t up all night. I slept… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am… — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician's pants.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living… — Jarod Kintz Living in the past Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?” — Jarod Kintz Distance Relationships Copy Share Image
“I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be a couple, and couple’s can’t be lonely. ” — Jarod Kintz Loneliness Copy Share Image
“My stomach is my locker. Let me store your lunch for you. You’ll get it back, it’ll just be squishy, brown, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Baby toys were left at my door. Either someone’s trying to get my attention, or I have the attention span of an… — Jarod Kintz Attention span Copy Share Image
“Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity. ” — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to simulate a war opponent. Especially if your nemesis is paraplegic and without transportation. ” — Jarod Kintz War Copy Share Image
“You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery.… — Jarod Kintz Joy Copy Share Image
“I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with… — Jarod Kintz Black belt Copy Share Image
“It’s so windy outside that there are waves in my cereal bowl. I was out of milk, so I poured pool water… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can't tell you. What part about secret don't you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a patriotic pilot. I know how to fly a flag. Of course I don’t fly anything anymore, not after my boating… — Jarod Kintz Patriotism Copy Share Image
“My mom and dad died, but in their place I got a house of fog that’s easy to hide my feelings in.… — Jarod Kintz Dad died Copy Share Image
“Most people take four years to get a degree. Not me. I’m twice as ambitious. It took me nearly eight years to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, "If looks could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
