“Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“Twitter: Up to the minute details that are minute. I’d like to update and reaffirm my love for you every sixty seconds.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to… — Jarod Kintz Good wife Copy Share Image
“What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Flatulence is the international language. Speak it with your anus. Hear it through your ears. Listen through your nose.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blanket could be used to form a new word—tenkalb—which in turn could be used, or not used at all. But that’s not… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A… — Jarod Kintz Long hours Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And… — Jarod Kintz Ex wife Copy Share Image
“I’m acquiring handshakes left and right. I collect introductions, and the best place to procure them is at chamber of commerce networking… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“The moon is an orbital albino, and it gets tons of sunlight, so I propose Operation Sunscreen, where astronauts coat the surface… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market. ” — Jarod Kintz Housing market Copy Share Image
“I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know, for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.” — Jarod Kintz Long time Copy Share Image
“A condom prevents life. A gun takes life. Would a condom over the barrel of a gun prevent one life from taking… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The military told me I had no depth perception. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I can see you’re all shallow mercenaries.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. That’s why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I took a shortcut and saved a ton of time. Literally 2,000 pounds of it. Now I have extra time and love… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“My chameleon fingertips feel sticky, furry, rough, or any number of things, depending on what I’m touching at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I made plans for 8:00. When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, “That’s funny, because my sperm was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is orange, though sometimes it will make you blue. You might see that as depressing, but I see it as a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“One to five, I’m not sure how most people would rate me. But I’m certainly top four to anyone who doesn’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning… — Jarod Kintz Warning Label Copy Share Image
“Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch money, as her rates have recently increased.” — Jarod Kintz Dear mom Copy Share Image
“With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them… — Jarod Kintz Depressed person Copy Share Image
“Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot… — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a floating object that dispensed fresh water, if only it were lighter and shaped like a… — Jarod Kintz Fresh water Copy Share Image
“People who die in Detroit and then go to hell probably think they’re in heaven. I know, because I’ve been to Cleveland. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee… — Jarod Kintz Drinking coffee Copy Share Image
