“Don't worry, I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours.” — Matthew Broderick Copy Share Image
“The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who doesn't know… — Ed Byrne Copy Share Image
'Trek' is probably more cerebral and philosophical. 'Stargate' does seat-of-the-pants adventure and humor better. — Robert Picardo Copy Share Image
“Do you work for Starbox? If so, I can't say I dig your new marketing strategy.” — Jonathan Maberry Copy Share Image
“[T]he princesses were beautiful as the day is long and so noble they, they could pee through a dozen mattresses-” — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
I grew up fascinated with comedy and with people who could capture someone's attention. — Wendi McLendon-Covey Copy Share Image
“When Provine studied 1,200 episodes of laughter overheard in public settings, his biggest surprise was finding that speakers laugh more than listeners—about… — Kevin Simler Copy Share Image
“I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.” — Joshua Donellan Copy Share Image
I can work every day of the year. TV is easy. My call's at 8:30 a.m. I'd like to break out of… — Scott Baio Copy Share Image
“Where are you from?" She asked without thinking. "I was born in the mountains." Runach said with a shrug. "The place doesn't… — Lynn Kurland Copy Share Image
“I don't know about you, but this whole life thing has been the cause of all my problems.” — Bond Bixler Copy Share Image
A comedian needs more than just a sense of humour. He needs to observe everything around him. — Vivek Copy Share Image
“When Scythrop grew up, he was sent, as usual, to a public school, where a little learning was painfully beaten into him,… — Thomas Love Peacock Copy Share Image
“The woman must look like the weathered side of a rotted fence post if she had to get a man this way.” — Lindsey Brookes Copy Share Image
“Victoria pushed it open the rest of the way and stepped inside. She left it open in case she needed to make… — Claire Legrand Copy Share Image
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
“Deep spirit scanning,” Eisfanger says. His voice has a strange resonance to it, like I’m hearing him through a bad phone connection.… — D.D. Barant Copy Share Image
“If I could get hold of something nasty and drop it in the coffee urn, I could poison them all." "Too bad… — Jesse Hajicek Copy Share Image
“The way his jeans hugged his cheeks drew me to him and made me feel warm.” — Kristen Tracy Copy Share Image
“Basically each one of us is alone here. Everything else is show biz.” — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
“He did not believe in having a sock drawer or a T-shirt drawer. He believed that all drawers were created equal and… — John Green Copy Share Image
“All right. They’re on our left. They’re on our right. They’re in front of us, they’re behind us. They can’t get away… — Jeff Shaara quoting Colonel Puller Copy Share Image
“I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I wish we could make out in your bed." Noah sighed. "As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to… — Michelle Hodkin Copy Share Image
As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a… — David Cross Copy Share Image
“What I'am learning is the world laughs through its ass every day, then just lies double-time when shit goes down. It's like… — DBC Pierre Copy Share Image
“Though most tourists accepted the occasional comic misadventure, it was important to them that overall their vacation should be pleasant. When you… — Alison Lurie Copy Share Image
Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“As boys going to sea immediately become nautical in speech, walk as if they already had their "sea legs" on, and shiver… — Louisa May Alcott Copy Share Image
“As special as it is to listen to your friends argue over whether or not you have a mental illness,I'm starting to… — Kendare Blake Copy Share Image
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The Yen Buddhists are the richest religious sect in the universe. They hold that the accumulation of money is a great evil… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins… — Robert Frost Copy Share Image
“Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. "You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.” — Elizabeth Sharp Copy Share Image
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details". — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
![“[T]he princesses were beautiful as the day is long and so noble they, they could pee through a dozen mattresses-” quote by Terry Pratchett](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/a02/terry-pratchett-19_humor_t-he-princesses-were-beautiful-as-the-da_2999394.jpg)
