Milton Jones

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

— Milton Jones

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a…

— Milton Jones

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

— Milton Jones

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

— Milton Jones

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

— Milton Jones

I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding…

— Milton Jones

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

— Milton Jones

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

— Milton Jones

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

— Milton Jones

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

— Milton Jones

The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

— Milton Jones

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about…

— Milton Jones

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

— Milton Jones

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

— Milton Jones

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'.…

— Milton Jones

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were…

— Milton Jones

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

— Milton Jones

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very…

— Milton Jones

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us…

— Milton Jones

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I…

— Milton Jones

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

— Milton Jones

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

— Milton Jones

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his…

— Milton Jones

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

— Milton Jones

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

— Milton Jones