“Mustaches are not only fashion statements, but they’re useful for tickling vaginas.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A mustache on a stick would not only be tastier than a popsicle, but ticklier too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I couldn’t grow a full beard I took it as a sign from God to grow a mustache instead.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will taste tasty on your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m growing out my baldness, and a mustache. Combined with spectacles (glasses), I’ll be a spectacle. I’ll proudly wear my absurdity like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ask my mustache anything you want, and my mouth will answer for it. And after the question and answer session, my right… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The love doctor, Orafoura, says there are two things that a guy can do to promote a healthy relationship: One, grow out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Im not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, Im dying my hair tonight. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My hair is turning the color of my answer. Maybe I should say yes to keep my hair from turning gray.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cut my face shaving, and all those little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my chin actually looked great with my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two mustaches, one over each eye. They smell like tits and ass, because that’s all I enjoy drinking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache—on a man who runs his mouth all the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
