Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. — George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. — George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me -… — George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. — George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. — George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. — George Carlin
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? — George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning. — George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. — George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. — George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. — George Carlin
Always do whatever's next. — George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. — George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. — George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. — George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. — George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? — George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. — George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. — George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. — George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. — George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. — George Carlin
Religion is just mind control. — George Carlin

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: