Funny Quotes

52060 Funny quotes by 14453 unique authors

You should have died when I killed you. — John le Carre
I'm concentrating on the positive, on all the wonderful things I'm doing now. — Tia Carrere
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey
I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going… — Jim Carrey
Either you're the one erasing or you're the one being erased. — Jim Carrey
Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them. — Jim Carrey
I just want to be myself. — Jim Carrey
We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other. — Jim Carrey
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me. — Jim Carrey
I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me. — Jim Carrey
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they… — Jim Carrey
I don't like to have to pan for gold when I read. — Jonathan Carroll
I actually don't think that I'm that much smarter than anybody else. It's just that I frequently just seem to know what to do, and… — Benjamin Carson
I could easily have decided that life was cruel, that being black meant everything was stacked against me. — Benjamin Carson
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. — Muhammad Ali
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'. — Frank Carson
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. — Johnny Carson
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. — Johnny Carson
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. — Johnny Carson
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. — Johnny Carson
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. — Johnny Carson
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. — Johnny Carson
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. — Johnny Carson
Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are. — Muhammad Ali
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. — Muhammad Ali

Who Wrote These Funny Quotes

14,453 authors contributed a total of 52,060 Funny Quotes, led by these top contributors: